Husbands - Listen Up!!!

I got this in an email from my wife today.  Here's some new ideas to try to keep the flame burning (or rekindle it) that started when you were dating her.

(Taken from Family Life website and Justin Buzzard's book Date Your Wife)

20 Ideas for Dating Your Wife

by Justin Buzzard

Men, you know your wife better than anyone else, and only you know how to best encourage and cultivate her as a woman of God. But sometimes it helps to build off other people's ideas in order to form your own. Here are 20 ideas that I hope will spark your thinking about how you can date your wife.

1. Attend a wedding. Sit in the back row and spend the whole time whispering memories from your own wedding.

2. Make a list of 10 things your wife loves to do. Each new time you take your wife on a date, do one of those 10 things as your date.

3. Take up a new hobby with your wife; do something new that you're both excited about.

4. Do the classic date: dinner and a show. Take your wife to din­ner and to a movie she wants to watch.

5.  Take a 12-month honeymoon with your wife. Relive your honeymoon by scheduling a 24-hour getaway for every month of this year. Each month go somewhere new with your wife.

6. Devote one hour each night for alone time with your wife. Talk about how your days went. Joke around with each other. Cultivate your friendship. Talk honestly about what's going on in your lives. Help each other. Encourage each other. Pray together.

7. Mark your wife's birthday, your wedding anniversary, and Mother's Day on your calendar every year and plan to make those days special.

8. Write a love note to your wife. Tell her all over again what she means to you.

9. Spend an evening stargazing with your wife and talking about dreams you have for the future.

10. Spend an evening reminiscing with your wife about all you've been through together and all God has done and redeemed in your life together.

11. Devote the next month to studying a book of the Bible with your wife. Take 20 minutes several nights a week to read, discuss, and pray through a shorter book such as Ephesians or Philippians.

12. Visit your roots. Visit where your wife grew up and where you grew up. Learn more about each other's backgrounds.

13. Hold your wife's hand often, in public and in private.

14. Tell your wife that you love her.

15. Tell your wife that Jesus loves her more than you do.

16. Set a weekly date night. Each week rotate going out and stay­ing in for your date night.

17. Cancel work for the day and do something special with your wife.

18. Take dancing lessons with your wife.

19. Cut something from your schedule and use that time to date your wife.

20. Vacation with your wife without your kids, without your work, and without your cell phone and computer.

Adapted by permission from Date Your Wife, by Justin Buzzard, ©2012, Crossway Books. Listen to Justin talk about the book today through Wednesday on FamilyLife Today®.

Thought Provoker

If you have all the time to do what YOU want to do...you're not being a good dad [or husband for that matter].  - Todd Wilson (brackets added by yours truly)

This One is for the Ladies

 

This is a second follow-up to my “Are you a REAL man?” post from last week.

The first was directed at husbands….this one is directed at wives (and remember this was written by a woman!)

50 Ways to Inspire Your Husband

March 5, 2011 By Janel

There’s an old joke about one of our presidents walking with his wife, who sees one of her old boyfriends in a less-than-glorious occupation. The president looks at the old boyfriend and remarks, “If you hadn’t married me, you might be married to that guy.”

The first lady answers calmly, “If I had married him, he’d be president.”

Now, occupation is not the measure of a man. But as a wife, you do possess a unique power to inspire your husband. Your loving vision of the man he’s becoming propels him toward greatness—not necessarily by the world’s yardstick of success, or even your own, but of God’s.

When you believe in him, he is secure. He can take the leaps of faith required to surmount fear. He can bear up under pressure, pioneer new territory.

An inspired husband feels the freedom to reach the fullest potential of the man God has created him to be. He’s not merely encouraged. He’s a man who’s empowered; a conqueror. If you want to give your man some “wind beneath his wings”… start here.

1.  Initiate great sex.

2.  Send him an email. Example: “Praying for you today. Thanks for being so courageous in [insert specific area].”

3.  Give him one night on a regular basis to do something he loves.

4.  Consistently mention ways you see him growing to be more like Christ.

5.  Ask him about his “bucket list.”

6.  Give him a book, audio CD, or ticket to learn about something he loves doing.

7.  Ask him about some dreams he has — and pray about them together, evaluating them. Then ask how you can help him go after them.

8.  Text him. Example: “REMINDER: I BELIEVE IN U.”

9. Make sure he feels respected by you.

10.  Leave sticky notes in his lunch, on his steering wheel, in his briefcase, etc. “So proud of all you’ve been doing with ___.” “You are so great with our kids.” “You are my dream come true.” “You are an incredible lover.”

11.  Suggest that he take some time to go pursue a hobby.

12.  Leave a message on his voicemail: “Thanks for going to work every day to take care of our family. You are so good at what you do.”

13. Ask him how you can pray for him at work. Later on in the week, ask about his prayer requests again.

14. Be proactive about doing something together that he really enjoys: make a date, get him excited, and share his enthusiasm!

15.  Tell him areas he’s gifted in. Don’t stretch the truth; be honest so he can trust you.

16. Pray for him.

17. Initiate great sex.

18.  Start and keep a “Dreams” binder with him. Include some travel brochures or whatever gets you excited. In the back, make sure you have a “Dreams turned reality!” file.

19.  Talk with him about setting aside a small part of the budget to pursue the ways God has created him — through education or through sheer enjoyment.

20.  Post on his Facebook wall: “I love being your wife! See me tonight regarding this.”

21. Gently communicate with him about what you like in bed, and respond encouragingly to his attempts.

22.  Remember a dream that he had a long time ago. Talk with him about whether it’s still a dream — and still a possibility.

23.  Ask God to open your eyes to the ways He has made your husband and to give you wisdom about how to maximize that workmanship.

24.  Have your children write him notes or letters about what they love about their dad.

25.  Initiate great sex.

26.  Ban yourself from any nagging, the Great Life-Sucker.

27.  Ask, “If I could do one thing I’m not already doing that would really empower you and inspire you, what would it be?” Listen — resist being defensive (the hard part) — and follow through.

28.  As you think of them, remind him of specific times and areas he has impacted people’s lives: “Hey, I was thinking the other day about all the time you invested in that Cub Scout troop. Wonder what those boys are doing now. It was so cool to watch them grow with you as their leader.” “Our son has grown so much in encouraging people lately. He gets that from you; you are such a good example for him in that.”

29.  Buy him something small to stoke the fires: a journal for a writer; some carpentry pencils for a woodworker; some grilling tools for the master chef. Add a sweet note: “Just because I love the way you’re made.”

30.  Do something fun and unexpected together: paintball; laser tag; on a spring day, have a picnic, blow bubbles, and bring the books you’re reading; swing; go to a drive-in movie, bring popcorn, and instigate a make-out session.

31. Think about a way you’ve been hurting him, annoying him, or not “seeing” him. Apologize, and work hard at showing true change.

32. Initiate great sex.

33. Go to a home improvement store to plan a small, doable project that energizes both of you, even if it’s just painting a room or fixing up some landscaping. (Hint: Make sure it’s something by which he won’t feel burdened.)

34. Do something from his to-do list for him — something that he’d rather have you do anyway.

35. Find a mutually enjoyable activity you like doing together on a regular basis — even if it’s playing the Wii together.

36. Create a cheerful atmosphere when he comes home.

37. Design a date night that will help him to de-stress and have fun.

38. Discover his love language and become even more fluent in it.

39.  Pray about and pursue at least one dream of your own, talking with him about it.

40.  What’s hard about his life right now? Pray for his endurance, and encourage him specifically. Galatians 6:9 is a great start for both.

41.  Organize or clean something in your home that you know he finds messy.

42.  Send a snail-mail love note to him at the office, affirming him in his work.

43.  If there’s something on his “Honey Do” list at home that he finds overwhelming or has a hard time finding time to do, talk with him (respectfully and gently) about the possibility of having it hired out. Make sure he knows it’s not because you find him incompetent, but that you want to free him from a burden.

44.  Initiate great sex.

45. Be a student of your husband. Does he feel inspired if he’s got all his ducks in a row? If he’s got a creative space to think? If he feels verbally affirmed?

46. If he’s into dressing nice, go with him to shop for clothes in which he feels confident.

47. Let him overhear you speaking well of him on the phone, among friends, or in public places.

48.  In his area of weakness, pray about how to subtly and gently step in and help him.

49.  Tell him what a great dad he is. Be specific.

50.  If and when he messes up, respond with the kind of grace, compassion, and mercy that God gives us. Respond in a way that communicates, You’re safe with me — and I’m not going to rehash your failures. This is a secure place for you to grow … and I love the journey with you.

50 Ways to Inspire Your Wife

This is a follow-up to my post from the other day called, Are You a REAL Man?

50 Ways to Inspire Your Wife

by Janel Breitenstein

An old story told from the island of Kiniwata relates the account of a man known as Johnny Lingo. The youngest and strongest man from the island, Johnny shocked the islanders by paying the father of his bride not the traditional two to three cows for his wife, or even the four to five cows for an exceptional wife. For Sarita, he paid eight. No one could understand: “It would be kindness to call her plain. She was skinny. She walked with her shoulders hunched and her head ducked. She was scared of her own shadow." Eight cows!? The entire island laughed at the audacity.

Curious about the story, writer Patricia McGerr visited Johnny's home. She was fascinated by what she describes as the most beautiful woman she’d ever seen. She wrote about this in a Woman's Day article,   “Johnny Lingo and the Eight Cow Wife”: “The lift of her shoulders, the tilt of her chin, the sparkle of her eyes all spelled a pride to which no one could deny her the right.”

When McGerr later pressed Johnny Lingo for his reasoning, he explains, “Many things can change a woman. Things that happen inside, things that happen outside. But the thing that matters most is what she thinks about herself. In Kiniwata, Sarita believed she was worth nothing. Now she knows she is worth more than any other woman in the islands ... I wanted an eight-cow wife.”

Now, for obvious reasons, please do not immediately tell your beloved, “Hon, you’re an eight-cow wife.” But remember that, at least in part, a man’s impact may be measured in the joy and character of the people closest to him.

The way that a man sees his wife, the way he cherishes her, has a lasting effect on her beauty within and without. How does your wife feel about you and your relationship to her? How do you want your children to remember your acts of love for their mother?  

Here are 50 ideas to get you started toward inspiring an eight-cow wife.

1. Be a student of her. Where do her passions, gifting, and abilities lie? What energizes her? When does she lose track of time because she’s enjoying herself so much? What weights does she bear? (Can you learn incredible things about this woman that even she doesn’t know?)
2. Ask God for special wisdom in understanding your wife and in loving her well (James 1:5-6).
3. Make a list of 30 things that you love and/or appreciate about her. Write them on separate sticky notes, and leave one somewhere in the house every day for an entire month.
4. For what ministry has God created your wife in order to build up His people? Give her time and energy to pursue it.
5. Take care of the kids for a day so that she can have a personal spiritual retreat to recharge.
6. Listen to her sincerely: Observe her words, body language, and circumstances in order to compassionately understand her. Make eye contact with her, and ask thoughtful questions, like “How did that affect you?” or basic who/what/where/when/why/how questions.
7. If she’s got a budding hobby or one that’s been neglected, purchase something small but high-quality that she would enjoy: quality paintbrushes, a beautiful journal, photo software, a top-notch cooking knife, new gloves, athletic equipment (ahem … only if she loves athletics), a well-recommended book on her hobby. Include a note: Just because I love the way you’re made.
8. Pray with her, and for her, on a regular basis. Consider making it a regular item in your schedule, such as before you leave for work or go to bed.
9. Compile a CD with songs that specifically encourage things you love about her. Let her know that you intentionally chose these for her and about her.
10. When circumstances, conversation, or even movies or songs bring up an area in which she excels, lean over and whisper, “You know, you do that so well. I love how you use ___ to bless the people around you.”
11. Identify the “life-suckers” in her life. What saps her energy? Consider the points of friction that she often faces in her daily routines. Prayerfully ask God to help you see not only what weighs on her, but also how you could help her.   Initiate conversation to compassionately find solutions with her. Ask, “What could be done to make that less painful (or less difficult)?”
12. Gently encourage your children to thank her for different ways she serves them: When they have clean laundry, when she serves dinner, when she drops them off at school. (Make sure you’re modeling consistent gratitude for little things, too.)
13. Identify your wife’s “love language”—what makes her feel loved and valued. Is it words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, quality time, or acts of service? She may have more than one. Become fluent in each of her "languages."
14. What pleasures in your life do you enjoy that your wife isn’t able to enjoy? She might not be into fishing like you are, for example, but maybe she’d like her own version of alone time. Like you, she might be honored by accolades for her projects well-done, a chance to finish a conversation, or sleeping in on a Saturday.
15. Allow your wife to set your standard of beauty, and make it clear to her that she is secure: Your eyes are only for her. Enlist the help of a trusted friend or pastor and accountability websites like x3watch.com to develop monogamous eyes that come from a monogamous heart … and a husband she can trust. Security gives way to confidence.
16. Talk through your budget together with her. Make sure you both have the resources you need to care for your family well. If you primarily manage the budget, ask her to make at least one change before finalizing it. Esteem wise financial decisions she’s made.
17. Be a student of her body. Ask her, both while you’re in bed and at a completely separate private time, how you can please her sexually and make her feel secure and beautiful. Seek tenderly to understand her past and how it affects her in the bedroom. Be prepared to humbly accept what she says, embracing her without defensiveness.
18. Gently protect her. Lovingly help her set boundaries with her time, energy, resources, and relationships (kids and mothers-in-law included).
19. Give her a massage—one that doesn’t lead to sex, unless she’s clear that making love is what she would enjoy most.
20. Send her an e-mail. Example: “Praying for you today. Thanks for being so courageous in ___.”
21. Give her one night on a regular basis to do something she loves. Occasionally surprise her with an afternoon “off” so she can do something fun or just be alone.
22. Consistently mention ways you see her growing to be more like Christ.
23. Ask her about her “bucket list”—the top things she’d like to do in her lifetime.
24. Give her a book or audio CD to learn about something she loves doing.
25. Text her on a stressful day. Example: “REMINDER: I BELIEVE IN U.”
26. Leave a message on her voicemail: “Thanks for serving our family every day. You are so good at ___.”
27. Be proactive about doing something together that she really enjoys. Make a date, get her excited, and share her enthusiasm!
28. Ask her, “If there were one thing I could do to love you better, to really cherish you—and you knew I would listen—what would it be?” Be prepared to follow through.
29. Tell her areas she’s gifted in. Don’t stretch the truth: Be honest so she can trust you.
30. Talk with her about setting aside a small part of the budget to pursue the unique ways God has designed her (including her gifts, abilities, and passions)—through education or through sheer enjoyment.
31. Post on her Facebook wall: “I love being your husband. You still take my breath away.”
32. Have your children write her notes or letters about what they love about her as a mom.
33. Ask, “If I could do one thing that would really empower you and inspire you, what would it be?” Listen and follow through.
34. As you think of them, remind her of specific times when she has made an impact in the lives of others. “Hey, I was thinking the other day about all the times you’ve invested in all those kids who come over here. You do such a good job making people feel welcomed and loved on.” “I don’t think I could count all the meals you’ve brought to people who are sick. You are wonderful at seeing people’s needs and giving of yourself to them.”
35. Do something fun and unexpected together. Here are a few ideas: play paintball, laser tag, or sand volleyball; organize a picnic and bring the books you’re reading; take photos of each other; play a pickup game of a sport together; go to a drive-in movie, bringing popcorn and her favorite candy (let her initiate any physical advances for this one).
36. Think about a way you’ve been hurting her or annoying her. Maybe there are ways you’re not “seeing” her—not stepping into her world to understand what it’s like to be her, with all of the things she cares about (see 1 Peter 3:7). Apologize, and work hard at showing true change.
37. Find a mutually enjoyable activity you like doing together on a regular basis, even if it’s working outside together or playing the Wii together after the kids are in bed.
38. Create a fun, life-giving atmosphere when you come home.
39. Design a date night that will help her to de-stress and have fun. (Dare I suggest ballroom dancing lessons?)
40. What’s difficult about her life right now? Pray for her endurance, and encourage her specifically. Galatians 6:9 is a great start for both. Think, What can I do to ease the load she’s carrying today?
41. Organize or clean something of yours that you know she finds messy.
42. Talk with her about her fears—both deep and insignificant. Over time, lead her as you work together to replace those fears with faith in God as expressed in His Word.
43. Send a snail-mail love note to her at home, affirming all she does for your family.
44. Think of something on her to-do list that she finds overwhelming or for which she doesn’t have much time. Talk with her (respectfully and gently) about the possibility of having it hired out (maybe you could pay a responsible high school student to log a few hours on housework). Communicate clearly that it’s not because you find her incompetent, but that you want to free her up from a burden.
45. If your wife likes to dress nicely, go with her to shop for clothes in which she feels confident and looks fantastic.
46. Be an advocate for her rest. Gently help her to evaluate and set limits on her to-do list, reminding her that she loves others best when she takes time to replenish.
47. Let her overhear you speaking well of her on the phone—among friends, to your kids, in public places, and to your mother. Tenderly but firmly keep family members from speaking disrespectfully to her or about her.
48. In her area of weakness, pray about how to subtly, gently step in and help her.
49. Request, “I’d like you to think about something for me. I’d like you to tell me one area in which you want to challenge me, but you wonder if I will listen and if I’ll receive it well. If you’ll do that, I commit to listen to you without getting defensive or somehow punishing you for telling me.”
50. If and when she messes up, respond with the kind of grace, compassion, and mercy that God gives us. Respond in a way that communicates, You’re safe with me—and I’m not going to rehash your failures. This is a secure place for you to grow … and I love the journey with you.

One final note: Maybe you are a man who initiates many kindnesses to your wife and you don't receive much respect or kindness in return. Or perhaps you’re a woman reading this under the burden of a husband who doesn’t serve you or protect you or cherish you. May you be gently, compassionately encouraged: Giving without mutual gain puts you in good company—the company of Jesus. May God give you significant grace as you pray for your husband and encounter the nitty-gritty, everyday battles against resentment and, in many cases, injustice. Our God is the God who sees (Genesis 21:15-21).

Are you a REAL man?

I have been working on this post (a little at a time) for longer than I care to admit, I hope that it gives you men something to chew on and think about…

First, your job does not define you.  You are not your job.  And yet…so often this DOES define us.  Inevitably, when two men meet for the first time, the conversation gravitates, with an unwavering pull, towards – “So, what do you do for a living?”  Is this bad?  No, but work, your job, your career – these things should not determine who we are!  There is so much more to life than this, especially if you are a husband and father!

You're first responsibility, after God, is your wife.  There should not be another person on the face of this earth that is more important to you.  No, not even yourself.  When I say she should be number one I am not saying that you should shirk your duty as Head of the Household.  As men we have a responsibility to lead our families in a way that honors God.  In Ephesians 5 we are told to love our wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.  Read the rest of the context around this verse (25).  This is not something to be taken lightly. 

I strongly encourage you to find out your wife's Love Language. I highly recommend that you read the book by Gary Chapman.  (There are online tests/quizzes as well as descriptions that can give you a pretty good understanding of the concept if you don't want to devote time to reading a book to make your marriage better...insert guilt trip here.)  Once you find out your wife's Love Language (and by the way, if she hasn't already read the book it might not be a bad idea to recommend it to her as well) start by trying to do one thing each day that will help fill her "love tank".  I will post soon, hopefully tomorrow, a follow-up to this post entitled "50 Ways to Inspire Your Wife".  I received this in an email from my wife after I told her that I was writing this post.  She said she thought it might help to give you guys out there some ideas.

Another strong component to a healthy marriage is to keep Christ at the center of it.  This means both that you should be spending time daily with God, as He wants a personal relationship with you, and also that you should be spending time consistently in the Word together.  It also means that you should pray together regularly. Our pastor calls our personal time with God, "hanging out with God".  This includes but is not limited to praying (and not just gimme, gimme's), reading God's Word, studying God's Word and just plain talking to Him.  This will strengthen our relationship with our Heavenly Father and keep our minds focused on Him, as well as set a precedent in our homes-which is our responsibility!  If our wives and kids see us focused on Christ and spending time with Him, it will only be natural for them to follow our example.

Our second responsibility is our children.  That's right, wife number one and children number two.  Does this mean we love our wives more than our children?  You'd better believe it!  When you got married you made a lifetime commitment to this woman.  You became "one flesh" with this woman.  (See Genesis 2:24 and Ephesians 5:31)  You entered into a covenant before God and man with this woman.  Anyways, back to the father part…  As a father we again have many responsibilities, and again we should find out each of our children's love languages.  This way we can better show each of them love.  But don't over-think it.  Sometimes we try so hard to be the hero to our kids that we miss the important stuff that all too often seems insignificant to us.  When your little one wants your attention, whether it be to tell you something, show you something or just to give you a hug or kiss...don't brush them off!!!  They want your attention because you're already a hero to them! Maybe even a SUPERHERO!  My kids (and I’m pretty sure my wife) to this day are convinced that Daddy can fix anything!  (Little do they know! J)  For a son, you are the ultimate role model…..whether you like it or not.  They look up to you and they are going to do what you do, guaranteed.  Now I’m going to focus a little more on the relationship with a daughter because, well I have two and I don’t have any boys.  For a daughter, you are her first love…..what daughter doesn’t want to “marry Daddy” when they are little?  You will set the precedent for what she looks for in a boyfriend/husband one day, good or bad.  Did you catch that?  She will use you as a standard for a man in her life since you were the first.

Treat her like the little lady she is.  Just like you are the standard for a man in her eyes, how you treat her will also set a standard.  Set the bar high so that when she does show interest in the opposite sex she will pick someone who respects her for who she is and not some dirt bag who is just looking for arm candy.

Tell her she’s beautiful.  From an early age a woman wants to hear that she looks pretty.  Don’t assume that they know that you think this.  Tell them and tell them often.  (Hint: guys, this can and should be applied to your wife as well!)

Take her on dates.  Start when she is young, very young.  I started taking my girls on dates when they were barely walking…..and I hope that these special times will carry into adulthood.  The other thing about this, do it often.  Whether you set a specific “2^nd Tuesday of the month” or something like that, make it a regular thing.

Read this book by Dr. James Dobson, Bringing Up Girls.  Trust me, you won’t regret it.

And finally, do regular devotions with your family.  All you have to do is get it started, your kids will make sure that you keep it going.  Pick a regular time-after dinner, before bed, etc…  Use a devotional book, share from your personal devotions, etc…  Sometimes we will just do a “Love Talks” discussion.

There is obviously a TON more to being a godly man, husband and father… I certainly don’t mean to imply that I know it all.  I have only been a husband for 14 years and a father for 12…I’m relatively new at this yet!  Study God’s Word, read books, study your wife, study your children…all of these will help you understand how to be better at what we do and who we are.

One to Ponder

Thought #212-
Every tragedy begins as a normal day. - Todd Wilson

*That means today you might get the call that your son was admitted to the hospital, your wife collapsed and died, or you are about to find out the worst news of your life.

So...how does that affect today?
(Excerpt taken from Todd Wilson's "You Da' Dad" page-a-day calendar.)

Don't let the "little things" in life get to you.  Once you lose something or someone precious to you you will never have that time back with them.  Tell your wife you love her...and don't just say it, show her.  Tell your kids you're proud of them for____________ fill in the blank.  Take notice of the things that make them "tick".  Show interest in them.  Next to Christ, your wife is your most important relationship in this world...and THEN your kids.  I started a rather lengthy post for husbands/fathers a while back...I plan to post soon.  Stay tuned for more...